I only came to Granny’s House,
Handing out leaflets all day long,
The door was open, I came inside,
And that’s where it went all wrong.
The old girl she got upset,
And charged at me, sword drawn,
I let out a cry and opened wide,
Swallowing her up alone.
She rattled around my stomach,
I let out a little burp,
But out of the corner of my eye
Came a skipping red cloaked burk.
Quickly chucking on Granny’s clothes
And dashing to the bed
Under the duvet quivering
Trying to play quite dead.
“grandma, what big ears you’ve got!”
Well, that’s a little rude.
“And bloody hell what’s wrong with your schnoz!”
Was a question to intrude.
She gazed into my watering eyes,
The nightie was quite chaffing.
“Your eyes are bloodshot and quite red.”
Her tone was light and laughing.
I had enough of the cheeky thing
And erupted from the bed,
Gobbling her in one big bite
Legs, body, cloak and head.
Oh god, I feel awful,
I think I’ve overeaten,
My stomach is quite stretched,
The ladies are repeating.
A little sleep is what I need,
That bed looks really comfy,
Digest the feisty family,
I’m not in a hurry.
Sleep is calling out my name,
A snooze or twenty winks
Oh god, there’s a lumberjack,
Eyes full of manic glints.
A swish, a swoosh, an axe comes down,
But he stumbles and overreaches,
I open wide my aching mouth,
Swallowing him body, axe and breeches.
Three humans eaten; I start to cry.
“Why did this all have to begin?”
Feeling the awful growling deep inside
A failed lupine lonely vegan.