I thought I’d try those dating apps
That glisten upon the internet
To prove I’m not “on the shelf”
So for a coffee I readily went
You chose me from the tireless throng
A poet who had no fish or gymnasium pic
But wrote lyrics which hopefully outshone
And didn’t seem like such a dick.
I nursed my coffee and pensively looked
Watching you bustle in through the door
A sense of fondness started to abate
When you farted and shouted “more”
you sat down with bloodshot roving eyes
I regaled you with my many stories,
But then your turn began to flow
As I listen to your “interesting glories”
Your leg upon the table hoisted
With weeping septic sore showing
Glistening green and blacken moisten
With a nod, a wink and a knowing
You then mentioned that on a previous date
It didn’t go as well as planned
The chap didn’t seem to fully relate
So something happened to that man
You emptied out the severed head
Its bloody stump stuck to the table
Cackling that he looked better dead
I planned my escape when I was able.
You grabbed my hand raised it to your face
And rubbed it on your cheek
Said “my skins so soft, no wrinkles here”
“I use minced up men’s livers, don’t freak”
Now to most this might be the time to leave
But I stuck it out until you dropped
That you really fancy Jacob Rees Mogg
Which was when I was really quite shocked
I pointed out I need the bathroom
And cordially left in a hurry
To make my escape from the window
As I really began to worry
So I’ve deleted all my profiles and Pics
I’m scared of answering my phone
I don’t want to be minced or beheaded.
I’m so much better alone.